Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
