Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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