All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
