I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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