I wish my penis had an off switch
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
