Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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