I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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