I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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