I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
