I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
