the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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