i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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