I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
