Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
