I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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