1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
