You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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