I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
