He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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