What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
