I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
