do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
