There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
