I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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