Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
