K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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