Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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