sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
