I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
