i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
