I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
