Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
