I wish my penis had an off switch
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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