you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
