so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
