Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
