Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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