Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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