Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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