I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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