The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
