someone owes me an orgasm
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
