So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
