i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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