Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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