You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
