Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
