why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
