Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
