I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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