I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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